Book Summary — How to Win Friends and Influence People

🚀 The Book in 3 Sentences

1. A classic book about soft skills from 80 years ago.
2. To connect with people effectively, you have to focus on others instead of yourself.
3. Including 30 principles that could be applied easily in your life.

🎨 Impressions

This book is easy to read since it divides each principle. Most of the principles in this book are useful even they were written more than 80 years ago. However, some principles seem to be old-fashioned for me in the agile working environment. Anyway, I love the overall idea this book proposes to focus on other people.

How I Discovered It

I have heard this book many times that it has been a must-read book.

🙍‍♂️ Who Should Read It?

This book should be a must-read for everyone and the earlier you read, the more you get from this book. I believe that once everyone in this world reads this book; this world will be a better place.

☘️ How the Book Changed Me

• I try harder to understand other people and make my family, friends, and colleagues feel more comfortable when they talk with me

✍️ My Top 3 Quotes

• We are interested in others when they are interested in us
• I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts
• A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of oil

📒 Summary + Notes

Part 1: Fundamental techniques in handling people

• Don’t criticize, condemn or complain
  People are creatures of emotion, not logic. Keep that in mind!
  Instead of criticizing, let’s try to figure out why they do what they do.
• Give honest and sincere appreciation
  There is only one way to get anybody to do anything. That is by making the other person want to do it.
  Humen want to be important.
  To serve human’s desire for importance, appreciation, and encouragement are keys.
  Appreciation is not equal to flattery since you must be honest and sincere.
• Arouse in the other person an eager want
  Talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
  To persuade someone, ask yourself “How can I make this person want to do it?”

Part 2: 6 ways to make people like you

• Become genuinely interested in other people
  If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people.
  We are interested in others when they are interested in us.
• Smile
  People who smile tend to manage, teach and sell more effectively and to raise happier children.
  To start smiling. First, force yourself to smile and you will tend to be happy.
  Happiness doesn’t depend on outer conditions but it depends on inner condition.
• Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language Use these techniques:
  - If you don’t hear the name clearly, ask the person to repeat it
  - For unusual names, ask for the spelling
  - Repeat the name several times during the conversation
  - Associate the name with the person’s feature
  - Write it down
• Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves
  Since people are interested in themselves, they will be happy to talk about themselves
• Talk in terms of the other person’s interests
  The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasure most.
• Make the other person feel important — and do it sincerely
  When you help others, you got the feeling that I have done something for them without their being able to do anything in return for me.
  Do something to others as you would have others do those things to you.

Part 3: How to win people to your way of thinking

• The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
  No matter you win or lose an argument, you always lose. Techniques to avoid an argument:
  - Welcome the disagreement
  - Distrust your first instinctive impression
  - Control your temper
  - Listen first
  - Look for areas of agreement
  - Be honest
  - Promise to think over your opponent’s ideas and study them carefully
  - Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest
  - Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem
• Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, ‘You’re wrong’
  If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it subtly.
  A magic phrase: “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts” Avoid direct contradiction and saying fix opinion such as “certainly”
• If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
  Having the courage to admit your errors.
• Begin in a friendly way
  “A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of oil”
• Get the other person saying ‘yes, yes’ immediately
  Begin by emphasizing the thing on which you and another person agree.
  Get the other person saying “yes” and avoid him saying “no”.
• Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
  Ask a question to let the other person talk themselves out.
• Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
  Make a suggestion and let others think about the conclusion.
• Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
  Ask yourself “Why should he or she want to do it?”.
• Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires
  Use this phrase: “I don’t blame you iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do”.
  Most people want sympathy. Give it to them and they will love you.
• Appeal to the nobler motives
  People do a thing for the reason that sounds good.
  People react favorably if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright, and fair.
• Dramatize your ideas Stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic.
• Throwdown a challenge The way to get a thing done is to stimulate competition. Make work exciting and interesting

Part 4: Be a leader: How to change people without giving offense or arousing resentment

• Begin with praise and honest appreciation
  It is easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise for our good points.
• Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
  Changing the word ‘but’ to ‘and’
• Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
• Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
  No one likes to take orders, so allow them to do things themselves.
  Try to say ‘You might consider this’ or ‘Do you think that would work’. Asking questions doesn’t only make order more pleasant, but it also stimulates creativity
• Let the other person save face
  Don’t hurt others’ dignity by causing someone to lose face
• Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise’
  Praise a specific accomplishment, rather than making general flattery. It will be more meaningful.
• Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
  If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already his outstanding characteristic.
• Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct
• Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
  Giving title and authority to a person might work